I Spent All My Time Alone: Desolation

While scanning through my old journals, I’ve found this piece – a kind of short poem.  It was written in those times, when I really feel desolated.  And, I know, I am not a good writer.

A decade went by, when wrote this small piece.  My joy and happiness are short-lived.  My health was a major problem and my pre-planned life did not seem to flow as I’d desired.  Few people have seen it.  And for them, it really looks annoying and depressing.

Bird in the park alone

For me, it’s a kind of prayer to God, my physical and spiritual barrenness being let out.  Here I cannot tell you all my problems but I’ve already told my God.  Some problems are solved or just withered away while some are still work in progress.

Remember, I was surrounded many good people.  Please don’t get it wrong.  The emptiness inside my heart, the pain of loneliness nobody knew.  Only let known to my God, that is what I am talking about.

If you’ve been through such times, you might feel it.  But for some people, as I said earlier, was a waste of time and simply depressing.  I am blessed to have a look back and feel a bit relief by His grace.  By the way, even in the midst of storm, we  never walk alone.

There are times when I really longed for God’s presence in my life.  Many times, I let it slipped away from me.  One thing or another snatched away my happiness.  Yet His faithfulness endures forever.

Now this is what I wrote.  Feel free to go through it.  Should you feel with me, it’ll be a good thing to let me know or remember me in your prayer.  God bless you!

I Spent All My Time Alone

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In desolation I spent  all my time,

Where is Your presence in my wilderness?

Yet my faith will not perish on the way.

It’s hard to even call on Your name,

How will I ever feel Your presence again?

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Yet my mouth will sing Your praise.

Through the sorrow and the pain,

My hope in You gives fragrance of life.

I will keep praising you forever.

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I cannot see the plans you had for me.

Is there a good thing you’ve planned?

Yet I will not lose my faith in You.

It’s really hard for me to pray,

Would your presence not go with me?

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Would you not filled by barren soul?

Broken and deserted here I lay.

Yet where would I go besides You?

It’s really hard for me to pray,

From my sickness and sadness deliver me.

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Yet my mouth will sing Your praise

Through the sorrow and the pain

Yet my hope in You gives fragrance of life

I will keep praising you forever!

Due to my wrongdoings and unfulfilled dreams or promise, I assumed that God deserted me.  He never did.  It was me who deserted Him.  Even in my worst condition, He loved me!

You are Alone But not Alone

Standing alone

Let me begin this way.  This tree, standing alone on top of the hill, is alone but strong.  It reminded me of some of the adversities that decorate our lives.

Sports, whether we play or not, everyone set our interest at least in one discipline.   Due to the skill and speed involved I love football, especially English Football.  Cricket, on the other hand, I find it to be time-consuming and slow.  In English Premier League, I enjoyed watching Liverpool FC playing.  I was always mesmerized by the crowd cheering and singing “You’ll Never Walk Alone”.  Someone, who is always supporting us, is what we want.

Naturally, we enjoyed companionship and togetherness.  Man is not created to live in solitary.  When the cheering crowd fainted, and the going gets tough.   The road seems are lonely, we want someone by our side.  In my hospital bed, reflecting on my past and the good times spent were cherished.  The only thing I can do is to talk to God and hope for a better future.

Hard times are what made our life worth going.  If you do not face tough times in life, you do not live life to its fullest yet.  But in these times, we have someone who is always by our side to comfort us.  Those who can recognize it found happiness in suffering.  God said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”*

You are alone but not alone, someone told in my hospital bed.  The word is blunt at first but says a lot.  Because it open my heart to feel the One who is always with me through thick and thin.  For many, the time spend alone are the sweetest.  If they are able to fight through these times, they surely will find happiness in life.

To have that feeling let me list out what the Scripture tells us to do a few things amongst many. (James 4:7-8)  Submit yourselves to the Lord and resist evil.  God loves those who fully submit to Him.  Submit wholly, submit it to Him.  He will save you.  Come near to God and He will come to you.  The space maintained between God and you should be zero.  Nearer my God to Thee…says the songwriter.   Purify your heart, don’t be double-minded.  Humble yourself to the Lord, he will lift you up.  When we humble ourselves before Him, we can declare,  “The Lord is my helper I will not fear.  Mortal beings will not harm me.”

The Lord’s presence always comfort me

And I know He is always beside me

Though adversities loom large upon me

‘Son, fear not!’ He whispers in my ears.